Are you tired of hooking-up?
Many women are.
Here’s Good News: Single Women Can Now Control Sexual Favors to Find True Love & Marriage
Reclaiming Sexual Control? Is this some type of No-Sex abstinence message?
No! Thousands of women hold dear virginity until marriage. Their morals. I applaud them.
This post addresses single women looking for marriage. Women tired of dating in circles, sleeping around, hooking-up, going nowhere. Women tired of kissing all the frogs along the way, and just want to key into how-to-date the best way to build a committed relationship to marriage.
The sexual control point discussed here is ‘Control’ until verbal intimacy is first established. It’s about sexual self-respect, valuing yourself as special—to be given in exchange for mutual love—not in exchange for dinner. Not with men you barely know after dating a couple weeks.
You set the rules before you jump into bed!
It starts with the first date. Discuss in general conversation, (not directed at him specifically) what you want out of life. You could explain career plans, goals, etc., but primarily your interest in finding a serious relationship, that you’re tired of dating just for fun, that you want something special, something profound in your life—Basically that you’re done with meaningless hookups. Hint. Hint.
The good news is that the man ready for commitment will appreciate your stand.
What if you’re already deeply involved in a sexual relationship with a man you really love. It’s been a couple years and he has yet to propose? He’s comfortable as is. There’s no urgency.
How do you ‘pull-back‘ and what does that accomplish?
An excerpt from soon to be published, “How-to-Date-to-Marry” book tells the story of what one woman did it. Julie’s ready for marriage, but Dave is hedging. Notice:
Julie feels two years of involvement gives her the leverage needed to expect full commitment. The relationship was at its peak. The more time she allowed beyond these two years, the more time would descend to the downside of the peak. She would lose leverage. She was in for the fight of her life right now while the leverage was on her side. The burning question was: How much did Dave really care–did he love her enough?
Subtly, she backed off. Gradually not so available. She planned other activities. If he needed his time, she would let him have it. Six months, she decided to herself, maximum! Soon, Dave began to question her lack of availability.
“So much to do, honey,” she said. “Maybe we’ll do lunch soon.” Carefully she saw to it that their contact was limited. It took all her will to carry this out because she desperately loved him.
“Yes, I love him with all my heart. I can’t help that. I can’t help how I feel about him, but I can control what I do about it,” she said aloud. “I am not to be taken for granted!”
After a few weeks, Dave began to worry. Julie’s had always been there for him. Always! Now he wondered if she’d lost interest. Could there be another man? He became confused and concerned. He phoned. “Julie, we seem to keep missing each other. Let’s getaway, fly to Florida for a few days and relax on the beach.”
“Sounds heavenly, but I’ve been on a treadmill the past couple months and really can’t take that much time away. Tell you what, let’s spend all day together this Sunday and I’ll prepare your favorite dinner and dessert.”
The dinner went well. They ate, talked and laughed–just like old times. Julie loved seeing him again. He was wearing his favorite “Cowboys” T-shirt. She loved the feel of him when he’d hugged her to say hello. She loved the smell of him and his aftershave. She loved looking into his teddy bear eyes. She just loved being with Dave, her man.
After dinner, he said grinning, “Come, sit on the couch, I want to tell you about my new promotion. I’ve just been made vice president of Consumer Sales, North West Division.”
“Oh, Dave, that’s wonderful! I know how excited you must be. You’ve often mentioned the potential of expansion to the Northwest,” she replied, kissing him on the cheek.
“Yes, I have. And I’ve worked hard for this promotion,” he said. “In fact, I need to talk to you about just that.” He wrapped his arms around her. “I’ve missed you, lady,” he said holding her close. “I want to keep you in my life.” Releasing her he continued, “I will be relocated for an indefinite period of time. It could be three years or more while we get the new stores up and running.
He paused and took her hand in his. “You are the love of my life and it’s important we stay close. I thought I could fly out one weekend a month and you could fly out one weekend the next month. You’ll love Seattle, it’s green and beautiful,” he smiled.
Julie felt faint. She closed her eyes for a moment. “So,” she said, opening her eyes into narrow slits, “let me understand this correctly.” Staring at him, her voice trembling, she continued, “So, you want to play house, one weekend a month, every month, for who knows how long . . . is that what you’re suggesting?”
“You don’t have to state it like that!” he said defensively.
Julie took a deep breath, and asked point blank, “Dave do you love me?”
“My god, Julie, you know I do.”
“Then why can’t we both move–as husband and wife?”
Dave inhaled deeply, closed his eyes and said, “Julie, we’ve discussed this before. I’m just not ready. I need a little more time. Honey, can’t you please understand?” He reached to hold her.
She quickly pulled back. “How much time?” she asked in a voice eerily quiet. “A month? Six months? A year? Five years? What?”
Shaking his head, he walked away. “I don’t know. I know I love you. But frankly, I resent your trying to pin me down to a specific date. When the time is right, I will let you know,” he said sharply.
There was an uncomfortable silence. When Julie spoke again, her voice got louder. “Dave, I need to know. I want marriage. A home. Children. If these aren’t your intentions, please be honest and let me know now! So I can get on with my life.”
“Is that an ultimatum?” he glared at her.
“Call it like you see it.”
It gets interesting from here on out. But notice how she pulled away. Basically, she kept him at bay. Started involving herself in other activities. Standing firm for not being taken for granted any longer.
- No sleepovers
- Not readily available at his beck and call
- Not willing for weekend rendezvous
- Not playing role of wife without the ring
- Involved herself in other activities.
The Fear of Dating without Sex
You’ve made the resolve to sleep with the man who becomes your best friend first. The partner who knows your ups and downs; weaknesses and strengths and still loves you. The one who will be there for you through thick and thin. The one you can always count on for the long haul.
Great resolve to hold out for this. But there is a HUGE fear. The fear of never finding a man who would honor dating initially without sex. That feeds into her fear of loneliness. In today’s dating climate, who would date a woman with that mindset. This fear assails her psyche like claws condemning her to lifetime emptiness without love, sex, or the family she desires.
Umm … not up for this.
What to do? The need for love is still there. This desire drives millions of women to fill single bars, participate in encounter groups, engage with dating sites seeking true love. Most want the happily ever after. They believe that Cinderella still lives. That Mr. Right is waiting around the corner. That it’s just a matter of time.
Again, the problem for this woman is today’s sexual mores. Casual sex is normal; hooking-up is fine; commitment is neither needed or intended. Sex with no semblance of verbal intimacy is the order of the day.
Men today expect it. It’s the 21st century for heaven’s sake.
And many women feel it’s okay too. She feels her sexual agency allows her to sleep with whomever, whenever — That’s her choice.
She’s good with it. I’m good with it too.
For the woman I’m talking to, though, this ‘norm’ is NOT acceptable!
She wants commitment, love, marriage, husband and a family and is NOT okay with sleeping around. She wants to settle down–find a loving husband, have children, enjoy picnics and vacations, play with Lassie embraced by the proverbial white picket fence.
She wants to grow old together holding hands with her best friend and lover.
How do these women date without fashioning themselves as prudish, old-fashioned, out-of-touch, frigid and denying their own sexual needs?
She’s looking for guidelines to help her navigate through the shattering noise of ring-around-the-roses partners. One guideline to consider is what I call, the Pull-Back. It’s based on a “common sense” action. It’s not allowing herself to be used simply for pleasure by men who have no intention of anything else — when YOU definitely DO have other intentions.
It’s a pull-back from the one-night stand, watching your cell next day for the call that never comes. Or the 90-day man who, when sexually satiated, leaves to find another woman. You’re devastated feeling empty and alone more than ever.
Or the guy you’ve moved in with, playing house for couple years. He promises marriage but flips out when you mention it because he’s settled in and comfy with the status quo.
You’re tired of it.
She simply wants to date to bond emotionally first … then sex follows. Not the other way around.
Okay. Let’s move on.
What’s a girl to do?
I know a solution that works for women serious enough, bold enough, trusting enough to apply and make it work.
I blog as Grandma-D sharing information that has stood the test of time. Some would consider it old-fashioned. But guess what. Some things never change. Will the sun ever rise in the west and set in the east? Will defying gravity ever let you sprout wings and fly? Will goats ever mate with giraffes and reproduce?
Laws of human nature stand unquestioned.
Likewise, principles of how man and woman interact best, never change. Pop culture can try. But it doesn’t work.
For the woman interested in marriage and not simply hooking-up, look at step four of a six-step process to building a successful relationship.
Stay with me. You might like what you see.
Another excerpt from How-to-Date-to-Marry. Then we’ll discuss how points apply to today’s dating rituals.
Step four: Cultivating verbal intimacy. “And the two shall become one flesh”…That’s the goal of marriage – that couples learn to work together in union as one team. This unity of heart, soul, and spirit bonds them as soul mates. A soul mate is someone who has the unique ability to bring out the best in us.
The chemistry ignited between partners turns their souls on physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. The only way this can be accomplished is by “knowing” each other’s inner workings that bond with ours in shared outlook and purpose.
You’ve heard it said often, communication is the key to a good relationship. Communication, communication, communication is what it’s all about. This communication probes for compatibility assessing how to handle differences, how to manage disagreements.
- It scrutinizes likes, dislikes, habits, thinking on politics, religion, health, future parenting, financial matters, career expectations, housework, conflict resolution, vacation time preferences, responsibilities toward parents, anger, jealousy, insecurities, neediness and so forth. This requires effort, maturity and a LOT of HARD WORK!
- If the potential for lifetime love is there, couples begin to talk about their deepest thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears, and joy. This is where you discover if both are similarly endowed intellectually. Doesn’t necessarily mean education because some very smart people never make it to college, but it means a couple needs to be in the same league intellectually.
- They need to see things similarly and speak about them in similar ways. It doesn’t always matter so much how smart the partners are, but it does matter how close they are. This doesn’t necessarily mean college. There are millions of highly intelligent non-college educated people. Just make sure you’re intellectually, on the same wave-length.
- Couples need to agree upon the same values in many areas. Especially how to handle MONEY. You must be on the same page because money and finances are emotional issues. Often our self-worth is tied to how much or how little money we make. This could erupt into power and control issues.
- Individuals have different money histories and styles that they bring into the relationship—one may be a BIG spender; the other a penny pincher. If money issues are not clearly laid out on the table, problems will surface later and trust in the relationship can erode.
- Couples need to communicate on a monthly basis about their financial status. If there are major problems you need to seek financial counseling BEFORE entering into marriage with each other.
- Another area is spiritual pursuits. If one is spiritual and interested in Bible studies and prayer, and the other is not, this is a strong, fundamental issue that will cause clashes, perhaps frequent arguments as times passes. Communication helps couples sort through such value issues—or not BEFORE moving forward.
- Another area that needs deep discussion is expectations about roles. This means that both partners should have compatible ideas about their duties and responsibilities in the relationship and household. It is when these expectations are revealed that partners become acquainted with each other’s inner workings to decide if you’re on the same page.
- Again, verbal intimacy calls for laying out all your problems and concerns on the table: Problems with an ex, pressures on the job, hidden secrets, childcare issues, criminal record, substance abuse, whatever—it all needs to be brought to light. Better do it now because these issues WILL surface sooner or later). Hopefully, the positives outweigh the negatives. It is this discovery that gives couples vital information about whether the two of them belong together in marriage.
Sadly, few couples experience real intimacy. One reason is that it takes time to get to know someone else. In today’ fast-paced world, few couples sit down for long periods and communicate. They’re running here, there and everywhere—except towards each other in intimate conversation. Consequently, couples often settle for superficial relationships, leaving them essentially unmerged as one, vulnerable to be blown apart when relatively mild storms come along.
The value of taking the time to assess your relationship at this level is two-fold. 1)You may discover shared emotions and viewpoints that bind, to make you feel that you were meant for each other.
2) Or, deep sharing may lead you to realize you don’t feel or think alike.
If these differences are significant enough, you should carefully consider your future together. Trying to force two lives together—lives that are fundamentally quite different—is the very thing that leads to unhappy and unsuccessful marriages.
When two people begin to share deep feelings, they can begin to evaluate seriously whether their relationship can last a lifetime. This is why intimacy is so important for any couple considering a permanent union.
They have an opportunity to see each other at the deepest levels and assess the degree to which they are alike. They can evaluate whether or not they will be able to live their lives in harmony and in peace.
At this time of cultivating verbal intimacy, many couples choose to enjoy physical sexual intimacy as well. It’s your choice. But remember, you still don’t have the ring. You still are NOT Mrs. So and So. He still hasn’t pledged unconditional love. He’s made no commitment.
You run the risk of him becoming too comfortable with the arrangement. As a result, he might postpone moving forward with marriage anytime soon. Be careful!
However, if the two of you are convinced you are soul mates then you are ready to transition into phase five: Committment.
Sound like a lot of work?
But think about it… Do you want a lasting relationship or not? Or do you want to mindlessly, meaninglessly go from man to man sleeping around without a plan for the future?
- Once you have found your soul mate, there is nothing else in the world more satisfying, emotionally fulfilling, even spiritually fulfilling than this.
- Your life will be filled with love. Your life will be shared with one special person. Your life takes you into a whole new world of adventure, closeness, and joy.
- It’s worth all the effort when done right.
Next post will be about how to use “time” as your best ally to assess the inner man first.
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