THE MAGIC OF VERBAL INTIMACY
He has proposed. The ring is yours to have. But, you’re looking at him wondering if he is the “One”. Will he make a good husband; a good father; a good lover; a best friend? Your mom loves him; dad thinks he’s great. Friends are happy for you. So, what’s the problem? What’s nagging you deep inside that causes you to question: should I marry him?
Well, that nagging is there for a reason. And it’s best to source of the uncertainty before you say, “I do.” Or if you should say, “I do” at all. I know that might be a frightening thought, but face it you must, or make a bad decision that could haunt you and your husband the rest of your lives.
Let’s look at one area of your relationship to see what we can find.
Have you mastered this art yet? Or do you even know what that means? Mastering verbal intimacy is the most important indicator of whether a person is right for you and ready for a serious relationship.
It’s the sharing of our deep core essence with our partner. We feel free to share our deepest fears, hopes, joys, and inner dreams and aspirations. Especially if you are considering marriage with this person and seeking a partner to pursue a successful relationship, there is no more important task than determining if your current beau has the ability to share himself verbally on a deep and intimate level with you.
Also, in keeping it real, we expose some of our gray day moods, an occasional temper tantrum. Do we sometimes tell little white lies? Do we pretend to be all sweet roses, yet hide a slightly poison ivy side? These are some things we must present for true verbal intimacy to begin and flourish.
Note: This revealing doesn’t start on the first date. This is the 3rd step in a six-step process, which you obviously have progressed through if he’s asking you to marry him. Moving to this step is where dating gets real. You don’t want to marry a stranger. Have you ever met a couple who dates maybe 3-6 months then marry, then divorce? Of course you have. There’s really no way to delve into the inner core of a person in that short period of time.
Do You Know Yourself?
By the way, you must first know yourself in a deep personal way and be able to express it in words and feelings. It goes beyond, he’s so cute. He has a good job. We like the same music. And likewise with him; he should know you much deeper than on a superficial level.
What makes you tick? What are your hot points? Politics? Animal abuse? Food for the Hungry? Raising babies? Or How fast you can get rich? How you can move up in your career? What stocks should to invest in? How to play the stock market? Invest in marijuana? Whatever. It’s important you know WHO YOU ARE. Once you do? Your next step is getting to know the core of your lover.
Men Have a More Difficult Time Revealing Themselves
It could be from their home environment. Maybe he was ignored and never encouraged to open up. Maybe he was taught not to express his emotions—told to “act like a man” or to “stop crying” when under duress. Over the years this could make him numb when it comes to expressing his feelings. He doesn’t know how.
However, it is vital that you know—you don’t want major surprises after the wedding day. So how does a girl do this? Constant questioning will drive him away. He’ll consider it nagging. Developing this level of intimacy requires “time.” And a slow pace. Contrary to everything else in this world that we are doing. You must slow it down for this to happen.
You Must Make Time for Verbal Intimacy
It is most likely to flourish when stress is low, relaxation is high and the phone is off. Texting is off. Cell phone is off. True, that cell phones and computers have made it easier for us to carry work home and elsewhere. But what happens is that the time that used to be personal time can now be turned into work time. For verbal intimacy to grow, the frantic pace of our lives must be slowed.
We must smell the roses along the way. We must make time for long walks and quiet dinners. Leave the guilt behind thinking about all the other things you could be doing because no relationship can become a bonded one without a dedication to verbal intimacy. A relationship can start without verbal intimacy. It can continue for months and sometimes years without either partner giving time or consideration to its benefits. However, over time almost every relationship will falter unless both partners commit to enhancing their verbal intimacy.
Suggestions on How to Do this
Talk about things he cares about: Most men want to talk to him about sports, or movies, or career – whatever it is he’s into. Remember men generally love to talk about what they think. Get intellectual with him, talk about business, politics, philosophy, or something you’ve always wondered about, and you may have him talking gleefully for hours.
Extend appreciation: He may show you how he feels for you by holding your hand, or touching the small of your back; he may bring you flowers or surprise gifts. He may show you he cares by working on your car, fixing things around the house, and just generally doing what needs to be done. Praise him—tell him how much you appreciate these things, how much it means to you. Positive encouragement can be very effective.
Body language reveals a lot: Especially if you’re trying to get to open up and you can sense he’s in a bad mood—that something is really bothering him. Use your common sense and back off. Be patient, give him space, and wait for the mood to change. You are much more likely to get through to him when he is relaxed and at ease. And he will find it much easier to talk about what’s bothering him after he has put it behind him.
Make it easy for him to talk—do something fun: Do something fun together (you know what he likes). This takes the pressure off, gives him something to focus on, and makes it so much easier for him to loosen up and talk freely. And before you know it, a little at a time, he will feel free to reveal himself.
Just Listen: When he does open up and start talking, listen without leaping to conclusions Don’t try to read your own interpretation of everything he says to your own story because men don’t think like we do. Just sit and listen. In time, you’ll understand what he means instead of jumping to conclusions.
Just Say It: Men are NOT mind readers. And they hate to beat around the bush. Don’t insinuate. Don’t drop hints. Be direct. If you want something, ask for it. If you feel there is an issue that needs to be resolved, say so. If you want to get to know him better, simply say, “I want to get know you better. I want to understand how you feel about this. It’s important to me.” See, direct and clear.
When you are on your way to mastering verbal intimacy, there is no way you would have to ask, “Should I marry him.” You will KNOW for sure.
Next time we’ll explore another area of relationship building to consider
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