According to many women the answer is “Absolutely.” We no longer sit on the sidelines and wait like damsels in distress. If we see a guy we want, we take the initiative to go after him. “I have no problem asking a man for his phone number, or ask him out for a date,” Anna proudly boasts.
… But is that smart?
Is chasing men the best way to find love? Or is she, in fact, undermining her chances at finding meaningful love? Of course there are exceptions to every rule; however, in the long-run aggressively chasing men is the number one no-no of all dating mistakes.
Follow this scenario: A woman eyes a man she finds attractive and approaches him. If he in turn finds her attractive how might he respond? First thought that comes to a man’s mind is sex, it’s in his DNA. Men love sex. And when a man meets a woman he’s attracted to, his first thought is the challenge of how to get it and how soon can he get it.
This is his thinking before he gets to know you as a person, before he appreciates your value. So sure, he might readily respond. I mean what man turns away what he feels might be easy prey.
They have a couple drinks; find a quiet spot and you know the rest. Often, though, after this assertive approach, the man feels he has already conquered and shortly moves on–and you’re history. Because men don’t like being chased.
Or maybe you have a first date. Then after the date he just isn’t interested then sadly you feel rejected. Who wants to set themselves up for rejection? And that’s because men like to pursue–it’s in his DNA.
Anthony Buono, the founder of Avemariasingles.com writes:
“You are a woman. A woman has mystery. A man loves a woman as he experiences her mystery. A man pursues that intrigue, and a woman MUST learn how to be open to being pursued and receptive to a man’s need to pursue on his own terms.”
That tells us to be slow to approach a man. Preferably, let him seek you out. Oh, you can send signals, like a smile to let him know you’re interested, then let him take it from there.
What does Chasing a Man look like:
When we do things that seem like we’re “chasing” to a man, it’s a turn off for him. He feels smothered and feels an aggressive “vibe” from you that does nothing to inspire him to want to get closer.
- Calling him before he calls you. For whatever reason! Don’t do it.
- Initiating contact. E-mailing him, texting him, Facebook notes, twitter, sending him cute cards, or in any other way attempting to initiate some kind of contact.
- Making suggestions or plans. Inviting him to come and join you, or in any way acting like the social director of the relationship.
- Asking him how he feels. This includes, especially, asking him how he feels about “you” or the “relationship.”
Women might view the above actions as innocent—just showing friendliness.
But, NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.
To him, these actions signal “Needy.” It smacks of desperation. And, it’s just plain not attractive to him. He may LIKE it. He may be flattered. He may even come to like you very much. You may even end up in a relationship with him.
The reason you should stop chasing and initiating is because he is perfectly capable of chasing you! That is, if he’s interested. If he is, then the chasing will be consistent and impressive!
We call that playing games. And the sooner women learn the ground rules and master skills of the game, the better off she is. It’s cat and mouse. It’s hide and seek. It’s the hunt and the chase.
Many smirk at this assessment, in their mind, of old-fashioned thinking. They rage on about today’s feminism and the need to stand up for women’s rights to assert equality with men–that a woman has the right to use her own sexual agency that empowers her to become the aggressor, if she sees fit.
Problem is… Mother Nature. You see, men and women have different action codes imbedded in their DNA. They are programmed differently. When the codes are exchanged, or mixed up, they short-circuit–which results in dysfunction.
And the outcome one hopes to achieve is denied. With this in mind, notice how men are programmed to date differently from women.
It’s a man’s nature to pursue. He wants to pursue. He needs to pursue. His nature to pursue doesn’t change. When either the woman letting him win too easily, or usurping his role as she begins to chase, takes the chase away, he doesn’t like it. And he doesn’t respond favorably.
A woman has the best chance to find love by not making dating mistakes like chasing men to find love. The odds of working well are not stacked in her favor.
A woman’s job is to create the opportunity to be chased and let the man pursue until she lets him catch her – those are the rules of the game!
When the woman becomes the pursuer it can lead to a disastrous, unfulfilled relationship because this is NOT the way to undertake establishing a relationship if you expect to win love.
While there is no single magic formula to follow, there are fundamental differences men and women have in their approach to establishing love starting with dating. There are certain do’s and don’ts.
Men want to pursue; women want to be appreciated. When they step on each other’s toes and work against that norm, trouble brews between them. It’s best, then, to learn what these parameters are, play within the rules, and you will often win.
If she fights against them, she’s fighting against human nature and will lose.
Let the man pursue–you learn what true love is
Instead of chasing a man, notice 7 recommendations to make romantic love happen when he shows interest first:
- Recognize what love IS and IS NOT.
- Learn all four aspects of love and how to weave them into the
- Appreciate critical importance of self-love first
- Master the six stages of the dating process and work with your partner through each stage step by step before moving forward to the next
- Trust the power of time as your best ally
- Grasp the true meaning of commitment
- Continue learning how to work as complements to each other
Bottom line is: It isn’t smart to ask a man for a date. I know, it’s hard sometimes; but know that if he is interested in you …
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