Commitment Denied! How Long Will You Accept 2nd Rate Love?

What’s your love worth?

Does he love you ENOUGH and how to find out…

Photo by Ryan Moreno on Unsplash

So he hasn’t proposed yet. What’s the problem?

Imagine you’re deeply involved in a sexual relationship with a man you really love. It’s been a couple of years, but he continues to hedge on marriage.

He does love you…

But is it ENOUGH?

Why is he comfortable as is?

Why no sense of urgency?

Photo by Samuel Raita on Unsplash

Do you really want to understand his hesitation… Or… Are you afraid to rock the boat? To fight for what you want — marriage and family. Might he get upset and storm out if you push the issue?

An excerpt from Soulmate Matcher’s book II book tells the story of what Julie did to gain commitment. She used a ‘pull-back’ method. Let’s see what she based it on and if it worked. Why or why not?

Why Rock the Boat?

Photo by Artem Zhukov on Unsplash

Julie’s ready for marriage, but Dave is hedging.

Julie feels their two years involvement gives her the leverage she needs to expect full commitment. The relationship was at its peak. The more time she allowed beyond two years, the more time would descend to the downside of the peak.

She would lose leverage. She was in for the fight of her life right now, while the leverage was on her side. The burning question — Did Dave really care? — did he love her enough?

Subtly, she backed off. Gradually not so available. She planned other activities. If he needed his time, she would let him have it. Six months, she decided to herself, maximum!

Soon, Dave questioned her lack of availability.

photo by Soulmate matcher

“So much to do, honey,” she said. “Maybe we’ll do lunch soon.” Carefully, she limited their contact. It took all her will because she desperately loved him.

“Yes, I love him with all my heart. I can’t help that. I can’t help how I feel about him, but I can control what I do about it,” she said aloud. “And after all this time, he will not take me for granted!”

After a few weeks, Dave worried. Julie had always been there for him…


Now he wondered if she’d lost interest. Could there be another man? Confused, he phoned. “Julie, we seem to keep missing each other. Let’s get away, fly to Florida for a few days, and relax on the beach.”

“Sounds heavenly, but I’ve been on a treadmill the past couple months and really can’t take that much time away. Tell you what, let’s spend all day together this Sunday and I’ll prepare your favorite dinner and dessert.”

Photo by Douglas Lopez on Unsplash

The dinner went well. They ate, talked, and laughed — just like old times. Julie loved seeing him again. He was wearing his favorite “Cowboys” T-shirt. She loved the feel of him when he’d hugged her to say hello. She loved the smell of his aftershave. She loved looking into his teddy bear eyes. She just loved being with Dave, the man she adores.

After dinner, he said grinning, “Come, sit on the couch. I want to tell you about my new promotion. I’m promoted to vice president of Consumer Sales, North West Division.”

“Oh, Dave, that’s wonderful! I know how excited you must be. You’ve often mentioned the potential of expansion to the Northwest,” she replied, kissing him on the cheek.

“Yes, I have. And I’ve worked hard for this promotion. In fact, I need to talk to you about just that.” He wrapped his arms around her. “I’ve missed you, lady,” he said, holding her close. “I want to keep you in my life.”

Releasing her, he continued, “the job will move me for an indefinite period. It could be three years or more while we get the new store up and running.”

He paused and took her hand in his. “You are the love of my life and it’s important we stay close. I thought I could fly out one weekend a month and you could fly out one weekend the next month. You’ll love Seattle, it’s green and beautiful,” he smiled.

Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

Julie felt faint. She closed her eyes for a moment. “So,” she said, opening her eyes into narrow slits, “let me understand this correctly.” Staring at him, her voice trembling, she continued, “So, you want to play house, one weekend a month, every month, for who knows how long… is that what you’re suggesting?”

“You don’t have to state it like that!” he said defensively.

Julie took a deep breath and asked point-blank, “Dave, do you love me?”

“My god, Julie, you know I do.”

“Then why can’t we both move — as husband and wife?”

Dave inhaled deeply, closed his eyes, and said, “Julie, we’ve discussed this before. I’m just not ready. I need a little more time. Honey, can’t you please understand?” He reached to hold her.

photo by Soulmate Matcher

She quickly pulled back. “How much time?” she asked in a voice eerily quiet. “A month? Six months? A year? Five years? What?”

Shaking his head, he walked away. “I don’t know. I know I love you. But frankly, I resent your trying to pin me down to a specific date. When the time is right, I will let you know,” he said sharply.

An uncomfortable silence stilted the air. When Julie spoke again, her voice got louder. “Dave, I need to know. I want marriage. A home. Children. If these aren’t your intentions, please be honest and let me know now! So I can get on with my life.”

“Is that an ultimatum?” he glared at her.

“Call it like you see it.”

With purpose, slowly she pulled away. Basically, she kept him at bay. Started involving herself in other activities. Standing firm for not being taken for granted any longer.

  • No sleepovers
  • Not readily available at his beck and call
  • Not willing for weekend rendezvous
  • Not playing the role of a wife without the ring
  • Involved herself in other activities.

The next post addresses how she dealt with the fear of losing Dave if she held out regulating their previously active sex life. Stay tuned to learn Dave’s reaction. And how Dave learns a valuable lesson on the meaning of love.

What’s next?


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Donna Patterson

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