A Friendship Lover

Often when a new relationship goes bad, I am asked “what are the qualities of a good relationship?” This was the case with Julie who dated a recently divorced man and enjoyed heaven-moving intimacy with him shortly after they met. When he stopped calling, she asked the above question. Here’s how our discussion went:

“Ok Julie let’s begin by defining the term ‘relationship.’ You mentioned the term over and over again in describing the interaction between you and Rick. Julie, what do you mean by ‘relationship’ with Rick?

“well, we had a connection. We communicated easily and enjoyed each others’ company and were developing something very special between us. So I would say a relationship is a special bond between two people who care for each other.”


Yes, Julie that’s right. A relationship is a special bond between two people who genuinely care for each other. But how is that foundation for caring built? And upon what is it built?”

I continued, “Two elements are closely tied together to form a relationship: friendship and time. Let’s look at friendship first–it’s the foundation of a relationship. And let’s explore what is a friendship lover and why does this equate to a good relationship. There are five primary reasons:

  1. Friendship is a history of two people who connect in ways that share common interests, 120px-Kiss_at_Feb_Club_NYC_20100202.7D.02686.L1.C45.BW_SML_(4469827485)
  2. Foster intimate communication, complement growth and development, and encourage support.
  3. Friendship is built upon trust and loyalty with someone you know will be there for you in good times and in bad times.
  4. A Friendship lover is someone who understands your ups and downs .
  5. Someone who knows your strengths and weaknesses and still cares.

Your friendship lover is your alter ego, a confidant, a person who’s been there over the long haul.

“With this definition in mind, Julie, in what ways would you say that you and Rick share a history as ‘friends’?”


Julie flinched and looked away embarrassed.


“Julie, you don’t even know Rick, not in a way that even remotely resembles a deep friendship.”


That’s not entirely true,” Julie said defensively. “There was something between us, something very special and very strong. It was the beginning of a relationship.”


“Sorry . . . wrong “R” Julie. I don’t mean to be cruel, but what you and Rick had was not a relationship–it was a rendezvous.”


Julie felt the blood rushing to her face. She stood, tossed her hair in a defiant gesture, and started to pace.


“That’s your interpretation. I was there. I could feel it. I know there was something special between us.”


“Like what?” asked Dr. Braun.


Julie turned, narrowing her eyes as she tensed, waiting to hear something she didn’t want to hear.


“What you had was a very powerful sexual attraction,” said Dr. Braun. “Red-hot –which you both insatiably indulged in. Period. End of story.


Julie quickly looked away.


See: howtodatetomarry


 This was a brief excerpt from the book: How to Date to Marry. The lesson from this story is to develop a stable friendship first. Make sure he’s your friendship lover before getting sexually involved. It will go a long way in safeguarding your heart and emotions.

In upcoming posts, we’ll discuss how time is your best ally in dating and relationship building.



1 comment on A Friendship Lover

  1. Hit this one right on the nose! Pretty sad how people will start what could and should be a lifelong relationship just on the rendezvous experience. The point well made here is friendship and time are the foundation for a “friendship lover”.

    So much heartache could be avoided if folks got out of the physical realm and saw the value of understanding the person first to see if they fit as a couple where both can support and encourage personal growth and interests.

    I feel equally strong about the importance of binge a ‘whole’ person before I could bring myself wholly into a committed relationship. The end result of not being whole and well-balanced oneself if you bring baggage and perhaps a broken spirit into the relationship. Not fair to you, not fair to that future life partner. No wonder so many ‘relationships’ break up!

    Good information thanks for a thoughtful, succinct post.


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